Bible for the Busy

Once upon a time, God, marveling at himself in a mirror, decided to populate a planet with creatures built to his very own image, so he cloned a few thousands just like his own adorable self and did so proclaim them to be people and looked forward to watching their progress

But time passed, for God was busy with many other projects—there were planets to be built and stars and all kinds of related stuff and he had allowed just one week for this whole project—even a god has got to get a day off. And he was looking forward to some quality time with his ‘children’ come Sunday.

But when Sunday came and he finally looked down to fondly view his cloned images, he was horrified to find they were acting just like animals, rutting, copulating, defecating, the whole nine yards.  Not very godlike at all.

God in his fury thundered and roared but all this did was scatter these ingrates into their caves and behind bushes and so it came to pass that he was truly angry. Later, however, he spotted one of these creatures wandering  in the desert who seemed to be free of such animalism  —he was neither drinking nor eating so he did not have to do those other things and he was also alone too, if you (wink, wink) get the picture.. So God ‘s voice thundered and the guy got down on his knees, shaking all over and seemed to be praying or something when god told him to stand up like a god and listen. “Go thee forth amongst thy people (god talks like that) and tell them that they shall truly know my fury if they do not stop dishonoring my name with these disgusting animalistic practices.”

And so his emissary (God so adorned him ) did so go forth and tell the people of God’s great anger over their terrible and ungodly habits. So, fearful of their god ( this guy could do lightning), they tried and tried to ignore their animal urges, but  time after time they failed –as one said, when you gotta go, you gotta go-and they were  filled with shame and with guilt too. So they took to hiding what they were doing-hiding behind bushes, doing you know what at night, defecating out of sight, all that kind of jazz.

But they could no longer do this without being filled with a sense of guilt, for their emissary had opened their eyes (don’t blame Eve) and they now knew that what they were doing was wrong. and lo –then the emissary  did come forth amongst them and told them that god could actually see behind the bushes and saw what they were doing anyway–  a real peeping Tom, he. Now they did not know what to do or where to turn.

But after much thought—for their emissary felt sorry for them as he saw their case was hopeless, he once again went forth to wander in the desert again, and again  did he fast, hoping that god would once again look down upon him that he might seek mercy from this, the  all-merciful Deity. And so it came to pass.

Then he came back amongst his people and he said unto them that he had made a deal with the Big Guy and if they would just drop a few coins in his plate he would see what he could do for them

And so it came to pass that god decided in his mercy, for he loved these images of Himself as a father might his son, to give up his only son to free them from their guilt and the ensuing shame –and maybe he was so merciful because he, uh, realized he had kinda screwed up with the whole cloning process too?

And so they lived happily ever afterwards– or would have done so except another god, who also was the one and only, and just as vain, turned up looking for worshippers or else.


Andy Mulcahy

About Monist

Hi, my name is Andy Mulcahy . I consider myself a monist and I am retired from steam engineering lo,these many years ago, and the Portland Cement industry. I have evolved into a Humanist-am a member of the Victoria Secular Humanist Association and The Humanist Association of Canada.
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